During the break, the couple sees one another less, but otherwise they hold themselves accountable to their partner and still view themselves as in a relationship. There’s no official “template” for what a break looks like, but there are things a couple needs to consider and discuss before going on a break such as logistics (How long will the break be? How often can they talk?) and ground rules (What can they talk about? Can they see anyone else during the break?)
Time apart can help some couples realize that their partner isn’t fulfilling their needs in a relationship, but it can also help couples realize how much they love and need their partner. Sometimes partners on a break make use of their time alone to deal with problems in the relationship, but sometimes they use it to deal with personal problems independently. They may realize they are better equipped to deal with their problems without their partner, or that they value their partner’s support.
Many folks get married after taking a break—or break up permanently. Time apart gives each partner valuable perspective about their relationship and whether they want to stay in it or not. While a break may end in reconciliation, there’s also potential for one or both parties in the relationship to realize they don’t want to get back together. This is difficult, but it’s better to know the relationship won’t work than to keep pretending.
When everything in your life seems to be going poorly—say, you lost your job or suffered the death of a loved one, or are maybe just feeling stuck—it’s common to project your problems onto your partner and assume things will improve if you started over without them. Time apart could affirm this, but it could also highlight how much you relied on your partner’s support—and that nobody is responsible for your happiness and peace but you.
Time apart could help you realize how much better off you are alone. Maybe the energy you’ve been devoting to a floundering relationship could be better spent on personal goals, friendships, and cultivating passions. A pause could also help you realize how much your partner supported and encouraged you to achieve your goals.
Space apart is stressful enough, but the uncertainty about whether or not you and your partner will reconcile can cause even more anxiety and distress. In some cases, the separation anxiety caused by a break can leave a couple in a more codependent and unhealthy relationship than they started out in!
Most couples on breaks agree to remain monogamous (if they were monogamous to begin with). However, that doesn’t preclude one or both parties from falling for somebody else on their break, and opening the relationship during the break may increase the odds of that happening.
It’s especially important for fighting couples to consider a break if they have kids. Many folks assume fighting parents should “make it work” for their kids, but in fact, the opposite is true. Kids don’t have a developed understanding of boundaries, making it difficult for them to understand that fights between their parents aren’t about them.
It’s possible you and your partner might be struggling with different issues at the same time, and don’t have the capacity to support one another. In this instance, taking a break can help you both deal with your problems separately, and then reunite when you’re both feeling more stable.
Some folks might also take a break for this reason while knowing deep down that they and their partner aren’t right for one another and are too afraid to officially break up (yet).
When someone is perfect for you in every way except that one thing, it can be tempting to pretend your deal breakers can be compromised. But think long and hard before dismissing something you really care about: if something is really a deal breaker, not getting it can lead to resentment of your partner down the road.
If you know you want to break up, it’s best to do so as soon as you can. It’s better to be up front about your needs than to give your partner (or yourself) false hope.
Don’t panic when you initiate the break. Regardless of the outcome, the purpose of a break is to give you both time to reflect on the relationship, and even if the end goal is a breakup, you’ll both be happier and healthier in the long run. Remember that you’ve had some time to prepare for this discussion, and your partner likely has not, so be patient with them if they’re struggling to contain their emotions or figure out what they want to say. Listen to your partner’s requests and fears about the break, and be open about yours. “Lena, I really love you, but I suspect you feel like I do: this relationship isn’t working right now. I don’t want to give up, but I think taking some time apart could help us. ” “I hope you understand, Lamar. I just need some time to myself to reflect on things, and I think it will really help our relationship in the long run. ” “Cuong, I value what we have together so much. I promise you, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it might help us figure some things out. ”
You and your partner might have the same goals, or you might focus on different but complementary goals—for instance, maybe you’ll work on being more independent and your partner will work on being less overbearing or controlling. But both partners must reflect on and work toward strengthening the relationship for the break to work. If only one partner is invested in the break while the other checks out, gives up, or doesn’t act any differently during the break than they would if they were single, it won’t succeed.
The timeline you agree upon doesn’t have to be permanent: if you realize early on you want to officially end the relationship, or approach your partner about reconciling, reach out to them. On the other hand, if you reach the end of your designated break and believe you may benefit from more time apart, discuss that with your partner.
Some couples might do weekly check-ins or attend couples therapy to keep one another accountable and see how one another is progressing, but in general, contact between partners should be minimal during a break. Some couples don’t speak at all during breaks, except as needed (e. g. , to discuss childcare). However, bear in mind that not speaking at all could backfire and result in an “out of sight, out of mind” mentality, rather than the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” attitude of couples who keep in minimal contact during a break. [16] X Research source Most couples opt not to see anyone else during a break (unless they already had an open relationship), as this could invite unnecessary emotional complications and distract the individual partners from reflecting on their relationship. [17] X Research source However, it’s up to the couple how to navigate seeing other people while taking a break. Just make sure you’re clear about your expectations from the get-go.
If you and your partner aren’t monogamous or opened up your relationship during the break, you don’t have to worry about seeing someone new, but if that relationship poses a threat to your committed relationship, it’s worth it to break it off. Depending on what you’re struggling with, you can check in with your partner and communicate to them that you’d like to revisit the ground rules you set up. Try to follow the rules you made from the get-go, but realistically, your or your partner’s needs might shift as the break goes on. You may decide to go no-contact only to realize talking every week serves your relationship better than not speaking at all, or vice versa.
Taking a break from your partner can be hard in itself, but you’ll also likely grieve the (temporary) loss of someone you talked to every day. Be sure to stay social during your break.
Whether you and your partner are doing couples therapy or not, consider attending individual counseling as well during your break. Spotify and YouTube both contain a plethora of podcasts and videos on psychology and self-help, and if you’re seeing a therapist, ask for their book and podcast recommendations too. Be honest with yourself about your role in the relationship. The purpose of a break isn’t to punish your partner or to lay the blame on them for friction in your relationship, but to address your own particular needs and your responsibility to yourself and to your partner. Try to see things from your partner’s side. How do you imagine they feel in your relationship? What needs do you think they have they may not be getting met? Reconceptualize the relationship: how do you imagine it looking at its healthiest? How can you get it there?
If your partner keeps reaching out to you, remind them of the rules you set up, or consider revisiting the rules to see if they’re serving you both as well as they could be. Regular check-ins can help both of you resist the urge to reach out when you’re not supposed to. They can also decrease the odds one of you will fall for someone new, or give you the opportunity to address and deal with the situation if one of you does. Therapy and your social network can offer tremendous support to help you deal with the break if you’re struggling with depression or anxiety. If your partner engages in gossip or harassment, it may be worth it to confront them and address how their behavior is making you feel, but don’t engage if you feel unsafe in any way. Communicate what’s going on to a close friend and your therapist if you have one, and consider reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline if your partner threatens your safety or the safety of your children.
Ask yourself how it felt to be alone. How does it feel to think you could end the relationship forever? Would you regret it, or would it be liberating? If you want to get back together, take responsibility for your part in the relationship and visualize how you both might repair your relationship to be healthier and happier. Be brave enough to walk away if you know the relationship is over. If your gut tells you it’s not right and isn’t going to work, it’s time to finish it. Deep down, you’ll know if you want to get back together because the relationship is genuinely good or because you’re lonely. Make sure to get back together for the right reasons.
Your partner will have their thoughts about what to do, and they may or may not contradict yours. Be prepared for them to disagree with your decision, and work to understand their decision. If you want to reconcile, ask your partner how they will commit to repairing your relationship. Ask them what they have learned during their time away. Remember that even if you reconcile, you can change your mind and end the relationship or discuss taking another break if you feel the need to down the road. “Sarah, I’ve had a lot of time to think during this break, and I’ve realized I really want things to work between us. I’m committed to working on us, and I really hope you feel the same way. ” “Clark, I love you so, so much. But after this time apart, I still don’t really have any answers. I really think I could benefit from some more time apart to keep thinking. How do you feel about that?” “Jenny, I have valued our relationship more than you’ll ever know. I was really hoping that we could figure out a way to make things work, but I think the best thing for us is to end the relationship. I’m so sorry. ”
