Hard problems include the three A’s: abuse, addiction, and adultery. Soft problems include things like growing apart or no longer feeling the sensation of being “in love. " These problems usually mask unrecognized problems, like feeling isolated, ignored, or criticized. You need to pinpoint your underlying problems and address them before you can conclude that leaving your wife is the best way to remedy them. [1] X Research source To identify if your relationship is unhealthy, ask yourself: What does my gut say is important in a healthy relationship? Am I receiving those things from my partner? If not, it may be time to rethink your marriage. [2] X Expert Source Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFPClinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.
For example, if you’re thinking of leaving your wife for an old high school sweetheart or a new, exciting lover, there’s a high probability that you are treating your new relationship with too much idealism and not looking at the benefits of your current marriage or considering the repercussions that may result from leaving under these conditions.
A confidant can lend you emotional support throughout the process and guide you objectively when your emotions are clouding your perspective. Letting someone know also adds a level of safety to the entire process.
If you plan on staying at a friend’s or relative’s house, find out in advance how long you can stay there. If you plan on moving into your own place, begin shopping around for an apartment before you declare your intentions to your wife. If possible, sign the lease on your new place before you officially leave your wife.
If your financial assets are all kept in one place, you have a legal right to half of those finances. Valuables that are owned by both you and your spouse must be divided equally. Those that are specifically yours, including family heirlooms, can be counted among your goods. For the items you own jointly, make a list of those that you would be fine losing and those that you intend to fight for. You also need to find out which services are linked and which are separate. Services include things like phone and Internet plans. A service you will no longer use, like the Internet at your house, will become your wife’s responsibility. Joined mobile plans will need to be split apart once the divorce or separation begins.
Look for vital statistics, military records related to benefits, bank statements, insurance policies, social security statements, information regarding retirement accounts, vehicle titles, mortgage statements, loan documents, kids’ school records and contact lists, credit card statements, checkbook statements, and stock certificates. [4] X Research source
Keep an eye on any joint accounts during this time, as well. If your wife is manipulative or emotionally abusive, she may start withdrawing money from those accounts in an attempt to prevent you from leaving. You can usually withdraw up to half of the money in your joint accounts, but doing so suddenly could alert your wife to the fact that something is amiss.
Make sure that any item you remove from the house can legally be defined as belonging to you, as a separate person, rather than to you and your wife. Usually, gifts and inherited valuables belong to an individual instead of a married couple.
You may not worry about your wife pulling a gun on you, but also keep in mind what she might do to herself after you leave. If there is any chance that your wife might harm herself, you should still remove all of the firearms from the house.
Tell the police about her previous threats and about your upcoming talk, and ask them about ways to protect yourself against false reports. The police may still need to check on a situation when a claim of domestic abuse has been made, but if they have advance warning, they might take that into account when deciding what action to take in regards to that claim.
Keep the focus on your reasons for leaving and on your experience. Avoid accusatory language that pushes the blame on your wife, even if you feel that your wife is largely to blame. Describe your expectations (separation, divorce), and make sure that you leave room in the conversation for your wife to reply to those expectations with her own thoughts. Check yourself as you prepare the script. Ask if anything you wrote has been written out of anger or a desire to hurt your wife. If so, remove or revise that portion.
Do not surprise your wife with the news before she leaves for work or when you’re out at a party or restaurant. Set aside a time when you can talk without restrictions on time or speaking volume. If you are worried about your physical safety, choose a public place that still offers some degree of privacy, like a park. Stick with your plan and resist the temptation to blurt everything out ahead of time in a moment of anger or pain.
Keep in mind that you should talk with your wife, not at her. Pause during your script to check in with her, making sure that everything is sinking in. Be focused and consistent. Remember that your talk has a specific purpose. Do not say or do anything that could confuse that purpose during the duration of your talk. You might want to soothe your wife’s feelings or get distracted by the good memories you’ve shared, but doing so will only delay the inevitable and draw things out even longer for both of you. Avoid arguing over the meaning of words and state things simply, yet as kindly as possible, to improve your odds of being understood. Try to be understanding if your wife is surprised or hurt by your declaration, but do not back down or feel the need to justify your decision. [5] X Research source
Make a script for your kids in the same way you made a script for your wife. Be honest, and make sure that they are not to blame for the separation. Even if your kids are already adults, you should wait until after you leave before telling them about it.
Staying in the same living space as your wife is asking for trouble. The atmosphere will be more volatile and the two of you will be more likely to snap at each other or do something regrettable.
Many jurisdictions enact orders that can protect your assets during the divorce process, but these court orders can only come into effect once you file. There is also some chance that your wife will not take you seriously until she actually has those divorce papers in hand.
You’ll still need to keep in touch with each other to sort out details of the separation, and if you have kids, you will have to deal with each other even more frequently. You need to cut out social calls, though, especially those made on lonely nights when you’re craving intimacy.
