If you’ve already basically uncoupled. This means that you and your husband have separate friends, separate interests, don’t spend time with each other, and don’t really know what’s going on in each other’s lives. If your husband is no longer willing to try. If you’ve repeatedly brought up the problems in your marriage and your husband either promises to change and never does or flat-out refuses to change, then it may be time to leave. If you’re in an abusive relationship, then get out. There are no good reasons to stay in an abusive relationship – or to prolong your pain. [2] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. If your relationship is truly abusive, then it may be best to get out ASAP and to figure out the rest once you’re safe. If one or both of you has been repeatedly unfaithful. It’s different if one of you has had a fling and has worked hard never to let it happen again – but if cheating and flings are the status quo in your relationship, then it may be beyond saving. If you no longer feel like a team. If you have stopped making decisions together, communicating, or compromising, then it may be time to leave. If you can’t agree on whether or not to have kids. If you’re dying to have kids but your husband refuses, or vice versa, then there may be no point in continuing the relationship if you can’t see eye-to-eye on this important matter. See if you can make this decision with a cool head. You should not decide to leave your husband in the heat of the moment, but after you’ve had some time to really think it over. See if you’ve tried everything and nothing’s worked. If you’ve tried couples therapy, had many long conversations with your husband, and if both of you have attempted to change your ways but to no avail, then it may be time to leave. But if you’ve felt dissatisfied for a while and your husband seems to have no idea, it may be worth it to see if you can talk things through first.
You may be surprised by how many of your feelings your husband shares – or by the lengths he’s willing to go to not lose you. This doesn’t mean that you should let your husband convince you to stay. But if you’re on the fence and aren’t sure if maybe you can really make things work, then talking to him can make a big difference.
If you don’t want to talk it out with your husband and want to escape a bad situation, then it’s better to keep it to yourself so you have time to figure out the details. If your husband knows about your plans and doesn’t want you to leave, then he can try to thwart your plans or to make it very difficult for you to get things done. This may seem sneaky, but your goal should be to leave on the best financial footing. You don’t want your husband to get in the way of that. It may be hard not to act once you’ve made your decision, but it could take between two to six months to plan an exit strategy that will help you keep your footing financially. Though you may be ready to walk out that door any second, know that it may be better in the long run if you take some time to get organized before you leave.
Taking money from a joint account should be a last resort – something you do right before you leave.
If you and your husband are really on the same page about the divorce and are comfortable enough with each other to talk about it, then you can talk about who is going to move out of the home you share together. If there are children involved, this can be an even more important question. As soon as you’ve made your decision, try to save money for the move, regardless of whether you’re moving across town or across the country. You’ll likely find yourself on a stricter budget after you leave.
If you see many documents that you’re sure if you’ll need, then you should make a copy of those just in case they end up being important. It’s better to be safe than sorry when it comes to getting your paperwork together. If you really want to make thorough copies of everything, then you may want to hire a professional to make a copy of your home computer’s hard drive and even to take photos of certain valuable belongings. This can help you in the future if some money goes “missing” during your settlement.
Just keep in mind that you can’t just decide your children shouldn’t see your husband because you don’t want to see him anymore. There should be a good reason (like alcohol abuse) to keep him away from his kids. You should make this decision with an even head, because it will determine many things, such as, potentially, the place where you live, as well as your children’s futures.
If you really don’t have the budget for this, then you can consider hiring a paralegal.
What new expenses will you take on? Where will you cut back? How much more will child care cost (if you have children)? How will you earn the income that you need?
This can get even trickier if you’re the main breadwinner, because then you will be the one paying alimony.
You may think that you have a strong credit record just because your husband does, but this may not be the case if you have not been very involved in the financial aspect of your lives.
Take classes that help you specialize in necessary skills for getting the work you want, whether you need to brush up on your computer skills or to get certified in a specialized form of training. Buy a new suit so you are interview ready when the time comes. Get your resume in order. You don’t have to send it out before you leave your husband, but you should have it on hand when the time comes. Once you leave, you are likely to feel even more overwhelmed, and you may not have the time or mental strength to do something like update your resume.
It can be helpful to pack when your husband is at work. Even if he supports you in leaving, packing when he’s around can be more painful.
Whatever your reason for leaving, it’s up to you to decide which method of leaving is best – whether it’s a frank and honest conversation or leaving without a note.
Though it’s important to get some alone time to deal with your feelings, it’s equally important to be out and about, to make plans with your friends, and to indulge in long conversations. Don’t be afraid to call up old friends to ask for help or just to chat. They’ll understand that you’re going through something very difficult and will support you all the way. Unfortunately, not everyone may be on board with your plan and you may lose some friends or family support in the process. Don’t let this stop you from being firm in your decision, and know that your decision can lead you to build new and rewarding friendships.
Though women tend to lose financially after a divorce, this does not keep them from exploring new things they never knew they loved, advancing in their careers, or doing many amazing things that they were not able to do during their marriage. In the long run, you should be able to not only get back on your feet, but to become a stronger, wiser, and more fulfilled person in the process.
