An important first step is to stop trying to pretend you aren’t affected by past events. You can’t get over the past until you accept it. If something happens that reminds you of a traumatic event or triggers a strong emotional reaction, try to calmly acknowledge to yourself that this is the case. Let yourself feel what you feel about the past. Later steps in this article provide some specific strategies to help with this. For example, if you find yourself in a social situation that triggers powerful emotions about the past, don’t try to push them away. Instead, excuse yourself for a moment and step away from the group. Then, take a moment to reflect on the past and how it is affecting you before rejoining the group. The impact of past traumas can be especially strong if you are without a strong social support network. [2] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source . Sometimes, the trauma resulting from past experiences can be so intense that it affects the people you care about. Unresolved past experience can prevent you from building strong relationships with your loved ones. They can also keep you preoccupied with dreams that never came to fruition. This, in turn, can affect your current outlook and habits in ways that make it hard to cope with obstacles in your life. [3] X Research source
If you find yourself feeling like you should just “get over it,” remind yourself that reality is more complicated than that. Traumatic events can actually change the way your brain works. This can take a long time to overcome, so cut yourself some slack and try to be patient. Emerging research in neuroscience suggests that brains have a certain “plasticity. ” Our genetic predispositions can be manipulated and expressed in unpredictable ways after powerful experiences. In other words, your brain can change. It is a product of both your genes and your experiences. [4] X Research source The physiological and psychological effects of past experiences can seem difficult to overcome and incorporate into your life. But, it’s important to keep in mind your body and brain are constantly reorganizing themselves based on new experiences. [5] X Research source Your brain and body have changed before, and will change again. You can make that change a positive thing.
Your efforts here should be directed toward accepting the past and forgiving those who may have wronged you. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you have about your past. Then, try to let those feelings go. When you experience anger or sorrow about the past, try to remind yourself that hanging on to these negative emotions only harms you in the end. No amount of anger will undo what happened. Acknowledge your feelings. [6] X Expert Source Catherine Boswell, PhDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 December 2020. Then, look within for the compassion to forgive those who harmed you and the strength to let go. [7] X Research source This process will take time and will be different for each person. Other steps in this article are designed to help with the process. Dwelling on the past can cause problems without any conscious desire on your behalf.
Yoga is best learned with the guidance of a professional instructor. If you’ve never tried it before check online to see if there are free or low-cost introductory classes offered in your community. Many places have affordable options you can use to try yoga and see if it’s right for you. Meditation is something you can easily do alone in your home. Find a comfortable place to sit with your legs crossed and your hands in your lap. Close your eyes and take slow deep breaths. If your mind wanders, gently return your focus to your breathing. Try a CD or a downloaded MP3 to help guide you through meditation. [9] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School’s Educational Site for the Public Go to source These practices give you the psychological time and space to identify particular emotions related to past experiences. In doing so, they can allow you to notice and work through the effects they’ve had on your behavior and thought processes. [10] X Research source
Start off one night by simply listing the events you experienced throughout the day. You don’t even need to force them into any sort of narrative. Try not to think too hard about it; keep your mind open and just write down whatever feels natural. This will get you comfortable with the process of journaling. [12] X Expert Source Catherine Boswell, PhDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 December 2020. This should become easier with each day as it develops into a habit. At this point you can start writing about past experiences that come to mind during your writing sessions. Focus on your thoughts and feelings. The important thing is to express yourself, not to tell a beautiful story. [13] X Research source Journaling about the upsetting events of your past can help you come to terms with them and make them less intrusive in your day-to-day life. Expressive writing has both mental and physical health benefits. It can help you process your emotions and can also help restore disturbed sleep patterns. [14] X Research source This kind of emotional work can take some time and introspection but it can be very productive if you let the process unfold on its own.
It’s important to feel supported around other people as opposed to frightened so take it slow at first; maybe just meet a new person for coffee. Volunteering can also be a great way for you to become more comfortable with interacting with other people again. This can even help you become more comfortable with your vulnerabilities as you see others bear their own.
There are times when past experiences can be so debilitating that it’s necessary to get help from someone who has helped people through such issues before. This is what counselors and therapists are for. If you don’t know how to find one you could speak to your primary care doctor who will likely be able to refer you. Your insurance policy may cover a certain number of visits to a mental health professional. Check your policy details to find out.
Spend some time thinking (or maybe writing in your journal) about the people you spend time with and how they make you feel. If there are people in your life who make you feel bad or reinforce negative habits, consider spending less time with them. For example, people who constantly put you down may not be good to have in your life. Friends who make it difficult for you to do what you need to do to incorporate difficult past experiences can also be a problem. Consider making new friends, or at least initiating a change of scenery. This isn’t always easy, but can be a great way to force you out of your comfort zone and grow as a person. It’s a good idea to try new hobbies with your new companions. When you’re ready, start to push the boundaries of your comfort zone by joining a local sports team or art class. New directions for your life will gradually emerge that might not have otherwise seemed possible.
It can be hard not to dwell on negativity. But, your supportive friends are the ones who deserve your attention. Keep good friends close by during this time. Having a supportive community of people around you will help you stay strong. It will allow you to feel confident enough to engage with unresolved past experiences or difficult emotions without feeling alone. When you feel like you’re slipping, try spending some time around someone you trust who can help keep you on the right track. If you feel that you are going to fall back into a bad habit, or are on the verge of despair, call a trusted friend and ask if he or she can meet you for coffee or swing by your house. Having someone around can help you feel supported. This can help you make through tough times.
This is an approach you can use to start getting comfortable with situations that are causing you a great deal of anxiety. Start by learning basic relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing exercises or meditation. Then, expose yourself to situations that remind you of those that make you feel uncomfortable. Use the relaxation techniques you’ve learned to stay calm. Start with short exposures to stressful situations. The key here is to move at your own pace, guarding against pushing yourself too far. Eventually, you should be able to engage comfortably in situations that currently cause you distress. For example, imagine you were attacked and badly hurt by a vicious dog. You might start avoiding all dogs. To move beyond this, you could try visiting a trusted friend who has a dog you know to be friendly. Use relaxation techniques before and during a short visit to your friend’s home. Try to visit often, staying a little longer each time. This might be difficult at first, but spending a little time with a non-threatening dog could help you overcome your feelings about the attack.
Let’s stick with the example of a fear of dogs. If you were attacked by a dog, you might develop a habit of crossing the street when you see someone walking a dog. You might get to the point where you do this without even thinking about it. In the short run, this might reduce your anxiety. But in the long run, it might be preventing you from getting over your fear. If nothing else, its an inconvenience. In this situation, you could make an effort to break this habit. You don’t need to seek out dogs, but try to stop crossing the street when you see one coming. After getting comfortable with that, you might even ask that stranger if you could pet their dog. Gradually, this will help you let go of the traumatic event. Systematic desensitization can he helpful in trying to change counterproductive habits. Sometimes we don’t notice how unresolved experiences have changed us. Our attempts to avoid them become embedded in our day-to-day habits. One way to become more aware of changes in behavior is to ask someone you trust if they notice anything odd in the way you’ve been acting. Other people often are able to pick up on things we aren’t able to notice in ourselves. [22] X Research source For example, after a breakup you could ask your best friend: “have I been acting weird in any way since me and my girlfriend broke up?”
This can be especially valuable if you don’t have a good friend around to ask about your behavior. As the ideas start to flow, think about new ways you can approach these situations in the future. For example, imagine your list makes it clear that you’re hesitant to go out with your friends. Start by inviting them over to your house so you have a little bit more control over the situation. Maybe invite those you are closest to over at first, and then after a few visits, ask them to bring over some people you don’t know very well. Take it slow and don’t be afraid to ask for help from people you trust. A gradual progression can help you incorporate the effects of most negative past experiences that you haven’t been able to resolve. By slowly pushing yourself in ways that might have made you uncomfortable before, dysfunctional habits will begin to fade away. Then you can start working towards building new, more functional habits in your day-to-day life.
After some time has passed, decide whether this box should be tossed or stored. Either way, you are coming to a conclusion about its contents that they can no longer influence you.
You could, for instance, write a letter to a person or people in the past who hurt you or experienced a difficult event with you. Being able to engage with such people from your past can be quite helpful, even if they are not actually present for you to converse with. [23] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source You could write or speak poetry or prose. Anything that allows you to let out the feelings you are holding on to from the past is fine. No matter how horrid the words are that come to mind, let them out.
When you are exposed to such a situation, use the techniques described above. Actively aim to put a hold on habitual reactions and challenge yourself to do things differently. This also means avoiding making decisions in haste that you may regret later. For example, think carefully before cutting off ties with somebody in your family or sending someone notes filled with anger. Before quitting something you have been doing for a long time, such as a job, give this careful consideration. Some of these choices might end up being the path you take after thinking it through. Initially though, this exercise is about strengthening yourself to make calm and enlightened decisions. It can be especially helpful to check in with a therapist or mental health counselor. He or she will often have suggestions to help you cope with experiences that trigger negative feelings. Remember in difficult times that you do care about tomorrow. Your goal is to build a responsible, thoughtful, and clear future that is free of the control of past habits.
Each person recovers a different pace. If you start to think: “I should be over this by now,” try to replace that thought with: “I have made progress and will continue to do so. "
