Some signs that you might have taken a reasonable about of time include feeling comfortable in the routine you have established for yourself and your kids, and not feeling a sense of longing for your past relationship on a daily basis. However, keep in mind that the grief you experience after the loss of a relationship is different for everyone. There is no set amount of time it will take for you to recover. It may take weeks, months, or years, all of which are fine. Consider joining a divorce support group as a way to connect with other people navigating this process. Putting yourself out there too soon could cause a bad experience and make you reconsider dating, in general. Take the time you need to get right with yourself first.
When you feel a sense of guilt, remind yourself of the reasons you ended your marriage and evaluate why they were in the best interest of you and your family. Make this list of reasons when you are in an upbeat mood rather than when you are feeling down, and be sure to review the list often. Give yourself gentle reminders every day that there is nothing to feel guilty about until you genuinely stop feeling the need to blame yourself. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.
You may also want to consider professional counseling to help you work through these thoughts. You likely would not want to date someone who was emotionally unavailable and preoccupied with someone else. Offer others the same respect and make sure you’re not caught up on your ex before you start dating.
You may also want to try taking yourself on self-care dates, where you do something you enjoy on your own. This could be anything from seeing a movie to taking a dance or photography class, or anything else that makes you happy. When going out and being social in general terms feels more comfortable, it may be a sign that you are better equipped to start dating.
Your dating goals may change over time. This is common and in no way a bad thing. Knowing what you want now is still important, though, as it will help you determine who you are and are not ready to be with.
Ask yourself, “Would one bad date ruin dating as a whole for me?” Be honest with your answer. There is no right or wrong, and it is better to wait until you can handle the experience than to force yourself into something too soon.
If you do not think that you can reasonably get through a date without divulging all the details of your previous marriage, then you may need some more time to heal. Practice making small chat with friends and family, and have them help coach you if you think you need it.
If your self-esteem is not totally in place yet, that is completely understandable. Take the time you need to build a good relationship. If you need to, try working with a professional such as a therapist to help you recover your relationship with yourself before you start dating again. There are a number of practices that specialize in helping divorced individuals do just that.
Starting to date again will likely be somewhat intimidating regardless of when you do it. But only you know when the idea goes from truly frightening to frightening but exciting. Keep in mind that some of your well-meaning family and friends will encourage you to date before you are ready, but don’t put yourself on anyone else’s calendar. You will know best when you are ready.
