Your partner may often tell you, “You just have a bad memory,” or, “You remember things all wrong,” and this can lead to you questioning your memory. [4] X Research source They may even say, “That’s not what happened. ” They may also flat-out deny that something happened. For instance, you might say, “You told me you were going to be out with your friends but when I called Jeff’s house you weren’t there. ” Your partner might respond with, “What are you talking about? I never said I was going to be with Jeff!”
Your partner may try to bring their focus onto their problems so that you are no longer discussing the fact that you saw them with another woman, but that you hurt their feelings with your “wild” accusations. [6] X Research source For example, your partner may say, “I can’t believe you would accuse me of doing something like that. You’ve really hurt me. ” Even when you ask an outright or direct question, the person may not provide an answer. If you say, “I want you to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and nothing else,” you still may not get a straight answer.
Your partner may also try to bring their focus onto their problems so that you are no longer discussing the fact that you saw them with another woman, but that you hurt their feelings with your “wild” accusations. For example, your partner may say, “I can’t believe you would accuse me of doing something like that. You’ve really hurt me. ” Your partner may always have a way to blame you or put responsibility onto you and not onto themselves. They might say, “You’re so quick to accuse me just because you’re paranoid. ”
The effects of gaslighting may have caused you to withdraw from friends and family and feel as though you have no where else to turn or any form of support outside of the abuser. You may fear that others will not believe you, or be afraid that they will think you are crazy, too.
Instead of focusing on their own problems, they place the focus on you. Ask yourself if your partner’s actions are suspicious and whether you are justified in your questioning.
If you’re upset yet the person insists that it’s “no big deal” or “just a joke,” go with your gut and don’t excuse the strange behavior. As gaslighting progresses, the thoughts may transform from, “Why do they behave so strangely?” to, “What’s wrong with me?”[12] X Research source
If every problem in the relationship is your fault and you feel like the relationship isn’t working because of you, think again. You’re likely taking all the blame for what goes wrong when, in fact, it’s a joint effort.
This can lead to not feeling any sense of trust in yourself or your emotions. You might actually begin to think you’re going crazy. You may ask yourself, “Am I imagining things? My partner sounds rational, but I feel irrational. Is it a problem with me and how I interpret things?”
You might ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” over and over until you’re really not sure what is real and what isn’t. [17] X Research source
Simple things such as deciding what kind of coffee you want or where to meet a friend for lunch can start to feel overwhelming.
If you look at yourself now and barely recognize who you are since being in the relationship, this can indicate a gaslighting relationship.
You might say, “My partner is really picky, but they’re not demanding,” or, “Well, I have to be a good spouse because I often mess up. ”
Talk about the behaviors you notice that upset you and ask whether your questioning is warranted. For example, you can say, “My partner has long weekend business trips and she doesn’t respond to calls or texts during this time. Should I be worried? She says that everything is fine and she just gets bad reception and that I am overreacting. What do you think?” Support from friends and family can help you begin to trust yourself again and rebuild your confidence. They can help provide you with the strength and courage to break the unhealthy bond of a gaslight relationship.
If you have already been diagnosed with a mental illness, your partner may be using it against you (“That’s just your anxiety talking. “). If something doesn’t feel right, take the evidence to your therapist or a mental health professional and get their opinion.
